March
1 - Woke up around 3am by hunger
and strange noises from my stomach! . . . ate a little . . . PCd
for hours trying to work things out and write the last couple of
days of this! Dare I? Couldn't face trying to reply to
outstanding e-mails. Some may go unanswered. I feel the need to
'contract' - I have overreached myself.
Pure f***ing AvPD!!!!!!!!
Eventually managed to sleep the day away. . . Forced myself to PC
in the early hours and have a chat with EB. Felt things were
somewhat resolved and made clear. Felt 'happier'. Special lady.
These events have proved to me how totally and utterly screwed up
I really am. I have made no progress with any of my 'stuff' at
all! The slightest little thing can bring me to my knees and see
me acting like some immature hurt little boy. Pathetic.
Embarassing. I don't know what I can do except hide away. (2/10)
2 - Couldn't sleep and ended up
watching TV and forcing down some food until after dawn . .
.Eventually got to sleep only to be woken before midday by a
phone call. Didn't answer it. Felt very tired. Had a sandwhich
and fell asleep again. Woken again by the phone but managed to
snooze through it and fall asleep again. Woke up late afternoon
TVd and ate . . . feel better. Feel as though I totally 'lost the
plot' there for a while - again! Unfortunate reminder of how I
get and how nothing has changed - except maybe for the worse!
Much confusing food for thought . . . Determined to try and catch
up on e-mails but PS phoned to say 'tonight?' so they'll have to
wait. Guess I could use some real life company - to drag me back
to a bit of 'reality'! . . . PS popped round for chats till
early. LB popped in briefly for coffee. As I was seeing PS out
some 'youths' across the street were trying to kick the wing
mirror of LBs sisters car. I was FORCED to act!! God what a
coward am I - but I had to do something. I shouted threatening
obsenities and ran over. I could see no damage (thank god) and
simply shouted more threats at them as they walked away. Oh thank
god they walked away!!!! Trembling terribly with adrenalin and
trying not to let it show to LB, I returned inside fully
expecting big trouble if they had seen where I lived.Thankfully
there was none. . . PCd and chatted to EB till early.(3/10)s
3 - To bed about 8:30am!!! . . .
woke real late with a BIG headache. Shifted with lots of Anadins
. . . TVd/PCd . . . ate sausage and chips from the shop . .
.touched base with SH and said I wouldn't be going to the
computer fair cause I'll be asleep!!!! . . . PCd till early
reading excellent psych. sites and watching the Australian Grand Prix live on the
TV alongside.A marshall died. . . chats with EB till early.
(3/10)
4 - Bed around 9am . . .
disturbed by a phone call but slept on till late afternoon! . . .
touched base with M/D to hear any news. Sis2's optimistic bubble
has burst again so it seems - as did something unpleasant in her
ear??!Oh dear! Does anyone have any 'good' news, EVER!!! . . .
awfull headache and feeling of exhaustion all day. No amount of
Anadins would shift it - it's one of those that only sleep will .
. . TVd . . . PCd. SO behind with e-mail replys I feel guilty,
but I just don't feel I have the strength to think, or sit for
hours typing! Chatted till early! (3/10)
5 - Slept the day away . . .
shopped for food. Cold out but good to see the sun . . . PCd all
night. Chatted with BB/EB till early. (4/10)
6 - Up late . . . PCd.Breakfast
chat with EB. More traumas on the Yahoo list. Chatted with SA.
Received a classic AvPD "Goodbye . .have a good life"
mail from BB. God knows I've sent a few like that in the past -
even down to the same phrasiology!!!! Serves me right then. They
hurt - I thought they would. Turned the PC off, thought through
stuff and cried. . . ML popped in for coffee. Managed to appear
cool . . . lots of soul searching and crying. Concluded I am
totally unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster I have
been riding of late. I AM absolutely AvPD. It IS absolutely right
that I should live as I do - alone. I simply cannot handle
anything else. My vicarious existance in cyberspace ends here. I
don't like it, but there are times when reality has to be faced.
I have to be me whatever little that amounts to . . . PCd with my
mind made up. Chatted with EB and said goodbye! Heartbreaking!!
Recovered and unsubbed from the Yahoo lists. E-mailed variations
of "have a good life" where appropriate. Tidied up
generally . . . I guess it's just me , myself and I again then.
As it always will be. It hurts - but I guess at least I can
handle that - I've had a lot of practice. What damage have I
wrought!! (2/10)s
7 - Ooops!! (<1/10)s
8 - (1/10)
9 - Scared. Recognised the need
to do something quick!! Got an appointment and went to see the
doctor. As usual my doc was on holiday so I was fitted in to see
someone else. Usual awfull humiliation especially when he said he
didn't have time to discuss anything because I'd been fitted in
as an extra. Told him I wanted the minimum dose so he wrote out a
script for Fluoxetine 20mg daily. So - I'm back on the Prozac
then!! As suggested I booked a double appointment to see my
doctor in a couple of weeks. I HATE being on medication but I am
determined to stay on it now for as long as I am allowed. I've
tried to deal with my stuff without and failed miserably. I
haven't moved for the last three years or more. Using the PC has
been my crutch - take away the PC and I fall over. I haven't the
strength and can't see the point in doing ANYTHING else. How can
you possibly ever win if you are always fighting against
yourself. . . Prozac before bed.(>1/10)p
10 - Here we go then - the
strange dull ache behind my eyes - the irresistable need to sleep
at a moments notice. Bloody medication! If only I could sleep
until it works . . . TVd . . . trouble with chain smoking instead
of eating. (>1/10)p
11 - (1/10)p
12 - (1/10)ps
13 - Big headache all day. Asleep
and awake in front the TV in two hour shifts until around
midnight when the headache suddenly disappeared. To bed around
3am. Tossed and turned.(1/10)p
14 - Up around 10am. TVd. Sis1
popped in for chats and fish and chips from the local shop . . .
threw up. TVd till early. Stayed awake all day . . . forced
myself to wash up the dishes - I had to - I'd used them all.
Difficulty sleeping.(2/10)p
15 - Woke up feeling ify but felt
'better' by early afternoon after a shower. Did some overdue
washing chores . . . TVd . . . touched base by phone with
CW&LB&M/D whos long awaited new sofa was delivered at
last . . . plugged the ansaphone back in . . . PS popped in for
chats till early. Usual trouble sleeping. (2/10)ps
16 - Can't believe the Prozac can
be working already? - but I do feel somewhat more 'accepting',
maybe? . . . PCd just a bit . . . felt good for a while . . .
fell asleep for a couple of hours . . . TVd watching all the 'Red
Nose' comic relief programs until early. (3/10)ps
17 - TVd all day. Slept a bit. LB
popped in to borrow a hammer and pliers for her room decorating
project . . . LB drunk popped in late for chats and more drink
till early. Had a few myself which went straight to my head!!
Very cold and a little snow on the ground outside when she left!
(3/10)ps
18 - TVd and slept all day. . .
touched base with M/D, TS, ML by phone. PCd a little. . . to bed
after 2am but couldn't sleep so got up and TVd till after 4am.
(2/10)p
19 - Up at 9am awake but feeling
tired . . . TVd and slept . . . PCd a little. Touched base with
BB by phone and explained some stuff . . . PS popped in for chats
till early. (2/10)ps
20 - PCd and chatted with BB a
little . . . lots of sleet and snow outside . . . terrible
headache. Tried to sleep it off but to no avail. Felt
increasingly 'ill' , down, dizzy and nauseas as the day wore on.
Difficulty sleeping with a bowl next to the bed trying not to
throw up after having taken the tablet.(<2/10)p
21 - Woke around 8am still not
feeling too well . . . felt a bit better as the day wore on.
Touched base with Sis1 who has also been 'down'!! Something in
the air?. . . went for a kebab . . . TVd. (2/10)p
22 - BW popped in briefly to say
hello!! . . . shopped for food . . . can't be bothered to cook so
went for sausage and chips . . . TVd. (2/10)p
23 - Shopped for food.
Deliberately stopped and sat on a seat amongst the crowds, and
had a cigarette. A crazy guy sat next to me having an in depth
conversation with himself! He seemed happy enough which seemed
ironic! . . . tried to read a little . . .PCd a bit . . . JB
popped in. Haven't seen her for ages. She looked different -
older - and pregnant of course. Felt strange chatting to her,
like someone else was in the room aswell. I'll never know what it
is to be expecting a child. Women are pretty amazing creatures .
. .TVd and PCd a bit till early. (3/10)ps
24 - Sat about . . .tried to read
. . . TVd . . . LB called and asked me if I wanted to save a toad
she'd found while moving slabs in her garden. Rushed up and found
a large female with a male holding onto her back - in the act?
There was no seperating them so I popped them in a plastic
container and relocated them to my garden. They seemed ok and the
female slowly crawled off under a plant with the male still clung
firmly onto her back!! Returned the container and found another
large toad and relocated that safely to my garden too, away from
LBs cats and polecat! Nice one . . . fell asleep for a couple of
hours . . . TVd. The tremors and skin irritation presumeably
caused by the Prozac seems to have started up. Itchy!! . . . PCd
till early. (3/10)p
25 - Big headache that wouldn't
go . . . TVd and took Anadins all day! . . . PCd before bed.
(3/10)p
26 - Slept the day away. . .TVd .
. . PS popped round till early. (2/10)ps
27 - Slept the day away. . . M/D
phoned to tell of the death of some unknown relative. Who? . . .
TVd . . . feel very down/'avoidant'!!!! (<2/10)ps
28 - Spent the morning printing
out some stuff from the web site as an explanation for the doctor
of my current position rather than have to try and explain how I
feel in person and make a fool of myself again! Dropped it off at
the surgery for him to read before my appointment tomorrow . . .
Slept . . .CW phoned to touch base . . . TVd . . . trouble
sleeping. (2/10)ps
29 - Woke up real early VERY
anxious about having to go see the GP? Walked to the surgery and
arrived all hot, sweaty and shaking with nerves?!!! He had read
what I'd printed out and seemed relatively positive about how
more and more people are going to see him after having researched
their own problems. He seemed somewhat at a loss about where I
could go from here which was kinda funny. I told him all about my
self diagnosis and the research I'd done into AvPD and HE asked
ME what treatment was possible??!!! I more or less forced him to
agree there really is 'no hope' for treating AvPD!!! We agreed
that my depression is the thing to focus on so he agreed that
staying on the Prozac maybe long term was the thing to do with
the possibility of increasing the dosage if it doesn't work soon.
Got a repeat perscription and made another appointment for a
months time. Left feeling sort of 'ok' about things . . .wanted
to sleep but couldn't. Got the bike out and rode to the dogs
home. Walked the long term resident GSD 'Caeser'. A long walk
down the riverside path to the park for a cigarette and then
back. A wonderful dog, very friendly with people - BUT - EXTREME
aggression towards other dogs!! Every dog we came near he would
try and savage!! Even the police had rejected him apparantly! All
the more funny then when we passed a small flock of geese stood
on the riverside path. Straining on the leash he nosed up towards
them inquisitively. They hissed at him and one of them all wings
a flapping started pecking at him and actually chased him away
with his tail between his legs pecking at his back!!!! Hilarious.
If only he was ok with other dogs. He could NEVER be let off the
lead! Tempting. If only - but no!!! . . . stopped off at a pet
shop just to see the price of dog food and bowls . . . popped in
to D+SH for coffee and chats . . . TVd. (4/10)ps
30 - Read a bit . . . slept . . .
TVd. (3/10)p
31 - Read a bit . . . slept . . .
TVd. (2/10)ps
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