What
Is It Like?
(Beware-Crazy Talk From The Inside)
It is
powerful. It is very powerful. I don't think I am a particularly
weak willed person but it will bring me to my knees whenever it
wants. I'm in it now. Today is better than yesterday . . . after
all I am sat here starting to type this today . . . the energy
involved means I have no doubt the attempt won't last but I am at
least starting it.
Time changes. The utter despair of the moment seems to last
forever. I feel somehow I age as a result. My face feels like
rock . . . people can see it in your face . . . I've seen their
reactions.
I withdraw away from people as far as I can. I don't want to
inflict it on anyone else . . . I can't 'act' as usual.
I withdraw as much as possible into sleep. I am always so, so
tired. Always a dull ache to my body, my neck my head.. And cold
. . . feeling so cold, chilled to the bone, almost shivering and
yet the thermometer says it is hot.
I find myself emotionally drifting away from friends and family
because I'm here, on my own and forever is a long time to not see
someone. I feel they have no understanding and as though they are
strangers to me. I can't feel love for someone who doesn't exist.
I can't feel love and right now can't even pretend. . . . I can't
feel anything but sadness and overwhelming pointlessness.
There is nothing to be done to change it. Everything I have ever
done has ended up here. What was the point? I helplessly reenact
over and over again past negative experiences and failed
relationships and rejections of every type real and imagined. I
must be really shit for people to have acted towards me in this
way. I have no inherant measure of my own worth other than what I
perceive others think and how I see they have acted towards me. I
see people on every side who have awful failings and yet they are
happy and successful and accepted and loved in a way I have never
been. I am worth less.
Everything I can think of doing will end up here so what is the
point. What can I do . . . what can I do . . . I'm supposed to do
something but what . . . what wont end up here?
My parents talk to my ansaphone and feeling duty bound to answer
I pick up and let slip I'm down....they don't understand and
think that by going to stay with them it'll be better. It'll be
worse but I can't tell them that . . . I'm almost forty years of
age and whatever life is about I have failed at it. I feel
utterly lost and directionless. Someone who said he was down
asked me recently, had I thought about ending it. What a strange
question I thought. Of course I have . . . it is always an option
isn't it . . . doesn't everyone have that thought every day at
least once or twice? And why not . . . fear is the answer I
suppose. I must be SO afraid of death to keep on going year after
year after year.